


Some Truths We Wish We Could Hide

by Vertencar



Series: Listen to the Sound of a New Tomorrow [6]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Pond Family, Road Trip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-16 11:10:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10570098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vertencar/pseuds/Vertencar
Summary: When she turned around to make her way out, River gasped, coming face to face with the Doctor. He had one hand lifted in a fist, ready to knock on the door, and a bag in his other hand. The smile on River’s face fell at his sight and her sweet eyes turned to a dangerous glare in his direction."What are you doing here?" She asked, her tone icy.





	1. I'm Running Away from Me

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a part of my fic 'Love is a Polaroid' but it got too long so I sliced it in chapters. Oops...;)  
> Also, this is set in the summer after River's second year at Luna.  
> Still following? Great then, enjoy!
> 
> Title from "South" by Sleeping at Last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Unworthy" by Vancouver Sleep Clinic

River closed the door of her bedroom behind her, her duffle bag in hands. 

On this month of July, the Pond family had decided to go on a little trip for the weekend. This time of the year called for vacations to sunny places, but Amy had decided that the south of England was enough hot for her, claiming that her body couldn’t handle too much warmth. It was more like her pale skin couldn’t handle that much sun and felt obliged to burn her like a salmon on a grill.

But River was still happy for this little vacation, it wouldn’t be too hot nor too cold, just perfect. For once, they did a trip, a real one to say. With no time travel to take them to exotically beaches in far off galaxies. This trip looked beautiful to River, without any TARDIS and most importantly without any Time Lord in sight.

No, they were doing everything like normal human beings. They’ll take the car and ride for most of the day, watching the English landscapes before their eyes and afterwards they’ll lay out a tent in front of the sea and watch the stars above them. Like normal human campers. 

A smile growing on her face, River stopped in the middle of the hall to remove her flannel and tie it around her waist. Even if the weather in Leadworth wasn’t particularly hot, all the packing and running around the house was making her sweaty. It wasn’t often that they had the opportunity to pack before a trip. With the TARDIS it was more like HOP HOP we’re gone and HOP HOP we’re here.

River was very happy to be spending time with her parents. The perspective of this trip put a smile on her face, this time there would not be any Time Lord to spoil her joy, no potential alien invasion, nothing of that sort. It was about time this sort of things happened, River thought.

She went down the stairs two steps at the time and made her way to the front door, intending to put her bag in the awaiting car in front of the house.

"River?" Her mother called her from the kitchen. River stopped, her hand on the handle, and turned around to face Amy with a questioning look. Amy poked her head out of the kitchen, "Have you seen my little yellow bag?"

Rolling her eyes, River pointed her finger in the direction of the living room. "The last time I saw it, it was on the couch." A light sparkled in Amy’s eyes as she finally remembered the position of her bag. She made her way to the living room and River shook her head. How could her mother be so forgetful, she had no idea. "It’s not like you can miss it. It’s yellow!"

"Oh, hush you. You can’t mock your mother like that young lady!"

"I was mocking my friend, actually." River replied, sticking her tongue at her mother’s back.

"I saw you!" Amy exclaimed, her back still turned.

"I did nothing!" River laughed and opened the front door in one swift motion.

When she turned around to make her way out, River gasped, coming face to face with the Doctor. He had one hand lifted in a fist, ready to knock on the door, and a bag in his other hand. The smile on River’s face fell at his sight and her sweet eyes turned to a dangerous glare in his direction.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, her tone icy. All joyful feeling in River’s body was gone, replaced by anger and incomprehension. He looked at her for a moment, not responding. His eyes drank in the sight of her, her face, her eyes, her mouth, her everything. Clenching her jaw, River turned around to see her mother watching the interaction with her lips pressed in a thin line, as if she wasn’t sure of herself. "What is he doing here, mother?"

Amy approached her daughter, her hand held up in her direction. River looked at the hand before looking back at her face. "River…" Her mother said in a pleading tone. "River, I told you it was a family trip. Well, I think he’s part of our family, he’s our friend and I thought that inviting him was a good idea."

River set her jaw tight and glanced behind her mother’s shoulder to see her father coming out of the kitchen, his face reflected the one she saw on Amy’s face. Pressing her lips together, she turned around to face the Doctor. Incapable of meeting his eyes, she uttered once and for all, "What are _you_ doing here?"

The Doctor wetted his lips and glanced up at the Ponds behind River. "I…I was invited by your parents. And…and I thought it would be a good thing. You know, spending time with you…all." He winced at the last bit and glanced down at River who has her gaze directed to his bowtie.

The latter snorted and raised an eyebrow at him, finally meeting his eyes. "Oh, really?" She said, not convinced. "Because going on a family trip, in the south of England, by car is the kind of things you do." The Doctor said nothing, trying to held her gaze but failing miserably. "And then what? You’ll help us set the tent and sleep in your little sleeping bag like us little human beings." Her grip on her bag tightened and River took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. "I know what you’re like and this is not the kind of thing you would normally do. So, what made you come here today?"

River held her head high, not wanting to show how she really felt. Inside of her, everything was trembling. She held her bag tighter, making her knuckles become white. She would never forgiver herself if he saw an ounce of her breaking down at this exact moment. 

The Doctor, not knowing what to do, opened and closed his mouth several times. He glanced up at the Ponds, pleading them with his eyes to help him. They did nothing, merely spectator. 

Not missing a bit of the Doctor’s flicker of eyes, River finally understood his hesitation. "You knew I was going to be there." She said, her voice a faint whisper. She dropped her eyes to the floor for an instant before lifting them again to hold his gaze. "Of course, this is a Pond family trip. Of course I was going to be with my parents." The Doctor felt obliged to hold her gaze. River repeated her remark, this time louder. "You knew I was going to be there, don’t you."

The Doctor directed his pleading eyes to her. Tentatively, he held out his hand to touch her shoulder. "River—"

"Get away from me!" She slapped his hand and pushed past him, making him sway a bit. He watched her make her way out of the house and to the car, her body radiating the fury she held inside of her. Coming closer to the car, she placed her bag, rather forcefully, in the trunk.

"River!" Amy called, coming out of the house too and closer to her daughter. Halting in her steps, she placed a hand on the Doctor’s shoulder. "Doctor, go inside the house with Rory." She pleaded him, pushing him inside as she made her way to the car too. 

Seeing her mother arrive by her side, River closed the trunk and leaned on the car, her face showing what this encounter really did to her. "Why did you invite him, mum? And don’t tell me it’s for the sole purpose of family trip because I won’t believe you on that."

Amy sighed and leaned on the car next to her. "River, please, don’t make thing complicated. We thought, me and your father, that a family trip would be good for us all." River rolled her eyes and shook her head, not fully believing her mother. "Come on, River, honey. We only want to have a good time, the four of us."

"Why are you trying to make things better between me and him? Don’t you’ve understood? We’re no longer together." River said matter of factly but her voice faltered at the end. She set her jaw tight and watched the street in front of her instead of looking directly at her mother’s eyes.

Amy pushed herself away from the car and placed herself in front of her daughter. "Don’t say that, it’s not true." River kept looking away, fearing that if she met her mother reassuring gaze she would break down. "This is just a bad moment in your relationship, but it’ll get better."

River crossed her arms over her chest and bite her tongue inside of her mouth. "It won’t. You don’t know what happened, you can’t understand." She lifted her eyes to the blue sky, taking a deep breath, and pressed her lips together. "Some things can’t be mended, some things are just not meant to be."

Amy smiled sadly and placed her hand on her shoulder, rubbing small circles there. "Sweetheart, it’s just a phase. We want you and the Doctor to go better and be happy together. I don’t know what happened, it’s true, but I know that you and him can surpass this. If you only let him in…"

River shook her mother’s hand out of her shoulder and blinked rapidly. "No, I know enough." Clearing her throat, she whispered, "You can’t mend something by trying to push the pieces together."

"That’s not true, I know you’re stronger than that. I know you and him will be able to fix it one way or another, and if it’s not by words then it will be with the love you have for each other." River rolled her eyes to the sky, finding her mother’s speech ridiculous. Amy saw the reaction in her daughter’s eyes and set her jaw tight. "Don’t you dare tell me there aren’t any! Because, in case you have forgotten, I’m the one who’s come to your room, every single night this week, to sooth you as you cried yourself to sleep, telling me how you loved him and missed him and how he broke your hearts."

The muscles on River’s face tightened as she still avoided her mother’s gaze. She didn’t respond, but inside her mind every thought was mingling with another, her gears were running at full speed and she couldn’t think of anything else but him. She bit her tongue to stop the emotions to overtake her but still felt her eyes beginning to tingle.

Sniffing, she pushed herself away from the car. "Come on, put your things in the trunk, we’re going." She said and made her way to the house. Amy could only watch the back of her daughter as she practically ran towards the house, wiping her cheeks with rage.

When River entered the house, she could instantly hear the voices of the two men in the kitchen. Lack of luck, this is where she needed to go. Not one to be discouraged by so less, she set her jaw and made her way to the kitchen. 

When she opened the door, the two men stopped talking and looked at her, uncertain of what to do. She cleared her throat, uncertain if she should continue or renounce. In her peripheral vision, she could see the Doctor blatantly looking at her. What was wrong with him? Couldn’t he, like, look at his feet or something, River thought.

Remembering why she came here for, she turned her gaze to her father, trying to give him a smile. In all fairness, it looked more like a grimace. "I just need to take the bag for the food." She said like it was nothing. It was nothing. Then, she walked to the table to take the bag that was resting there and turned around, making her way out of the room. "We’re going to go any minute now, go and put your stuffs in the car." She said aloud, not really talking to anyone but she was sure they heard her. 

River hadn’t even once glanced at the Doctor when he was in the kitchen, even if she had felt his eyes on her the whole time. Maybe he would understand to do the same if she kept avoiding his gaze. Or maybe his stare would become more perturbing and she would be forced to yell at him. She wasn’t looking forwards to this.

When she placed the bag in the trunk of the car, she saw her mother already seated in the front seat. Sighing, she sat in the backseat, not uttering a word at her mother. They had had enough of a discussion already. There was nothing left to be said, she feared.

The boys came in the car, two minutes or so after, and River stiffened when the Doctor came to sit next to her since Rory would drive. Why couldn’t she drive already? Oh, yes, her father didn’t allowed her to. At least, it would have averted her to be seated next to him. He didn’t say a word and River was glad he didn’t because she didn’t know what she would tell him. Feeling his eyes on her, she turned her head to the window. If he thought looking at her with puppy dog eyes would make her feel better, he was definitely barking up the wrong tree. Even if it may have worked before, it didn’t anymore. 

When Rory started the car, Amy shot her a warning look from the rearview mirror. River caught her stare and held her gaze for a second, then she glanced out of the window, watching the house getting away from her. Worst weekend of her life, here goes nothing, she thought.

 


	2. Take Me out of My Own Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title by Echos - "Say It"

The car rumbled steadily under their feet as the Pond family was engaged in the middle of a ride through the English landscape. The endless scenery of the countryside slipped before their eyes on an comforting speed.

Inside of the car, nobody dared talk. As if they knew tensions ran high. They had been on the road for nearly an hour and it felt already too long. Not an ounce of sea by sight, only trees and grass and long roads leading to nowhere. The boringness of the sight outside was a reflection to the boringness currently enveloping the car and its four passengers. And in this boringness ambient, a humdrum routine has settled in.

Amy was currently fiddling with the radio, searching for a good song to clear the air, something catchy, something joyful. But this was a far cry from the current atmosphere emanating from the other passengers, especially the ones in the backseat. This atmosphere made Amy uneasy, she fiddled with the radio even more, the only sound emanating from this one a slight buzz that annoyed the passengers more than it soothed them.

Rory, for his part, was driving. It was his only goal and he felt good with it. The atmosphere wasn’t really favorable for a little chat with the other, even if, in the end, it’s what they lacked of. Talking to each other, breaking the ice. Things like that, it was always the best thing to do really. Rory kept glancing at the backseat in his rearview mirror, he told himself that the front seats had a better atmosphere still. 

The two people on the backseats where seated the farthest from each other, well River was. She had her feet popped up on her seat and stared out the window, her eyes not really looking at anything. Rory chose not to tell her to remove her feet from the seat, as he always did, it wasn’t the time to make things even more tense. At least she has had the decency to remove her shoes.

River had put her flannel back on and held her knees to her chest, curled up like a child might do. During the past hour, River had been looking out the window, a far off look on her face. Whatever she was seeing in front of her eyes, it wasn’t what the others saw. No, she wasn’t looking out, she was just looking deep inside herself.

On his side, the Doctor fiddled with an old Rubik’s cube he has found in his pocket. Long travels, especially car travels, were definitely not his thing. But he swallowed back his lament and sat back in his seat like a good boy. Complaining was the last thing he could do in the situation he was currently in. He didn’t want to enrage River more than she already was. Swallowing back the ache inside his hearts, he settled his mind on the object currently in his hands. He would not bugger it all up this time, he promised himself.

River sighed, passing her hand in front of her face. With the buzzing of the radio and the clicking noise of the Doctor’s toy beside her, she felt her headache becoming more and more painful. Plus, it was getting on her nerves. Couldn’t he stop fiddling with something for a second? One single second was all she asked, just to put her mind at peace. But no, the Doctor continued to move the pieces together, eliciting a noise more ear-splitting than anything she has ever heard. In all fairness, it might have been because she couldn’t stand him at the moment that this noise sounded so horrible. But, it was so getting on her nerves.

Placing her palm above her eyes, River kneaded her temples for some relief but there was nothing to do, the headache made everything around her seem so annoying.

Not able to take it anymore, she snapped, "Stop it!" She dropped her hand to her thigh with force, making the others passengers of the car look at her. "Stop it or I’ll slap you so hard you’ll regenerate!"

Startled, the Doctor dropped the Rubik’s cube from his hand and watched it roll under the seat in front of him. He gulped, turning his sheepish eyes to River who was currently looking at him with eyes that screamed murder. 

"Sorry." He whispered faintly, glancing between River and his Rubik’s cube, gauging if retrieving from the under the seat was a good idea at the moment.

River looked at the pained look on the Doctor’s face and felt a twinge inside of her. She saw him fumble blindly to retrieve the toy, which has rolled away further than he thought, and instantly felt bad for him. "Thank you." She said as faintly as he had apologised. Still, he heard her and snapped his head in her direction, his arms fully under the seat and looking quite a bit scruffy.

They looked at each other without saying anything for a moment, the Doctor had an hopeful sparkle in his eyes. Realising what she was doing, River jutted her chin and looked away. She forgot herself, she couldn’t get soft like that. It’s wasn’t because he looked adorable like this that she had to forget what he has done. What, no, he wasn’t adorable. What was she thinking about? He was far from adorable, he was the opposite of adorable.

Huffing, River set her mind to the landscape outside. This was even more adorable than him, and it was boring so that was to say.

If River had looked at the Doctor longer she would have seen the tentative smile that has began to grow on his face. But her stubbornness has forbidden her of this privilege. The smile on the Doctor’s face dropped when she kept on ignoring him, he sank back into his set and set his eyes to the road outside. Replacing the Rubik’s cube inside his pocket, he levered his chin on his palm, looking at the landscape. Maybe if he focused hard enough, he would be able to see the same things that River has been seeing for the past hour. 

In the front seats, Amy and Rory shared a look. They hadn’t missed anything from the interaction between River and the Doctor. And the look they shared afterwards meant everything.

The tension had returned. Some minutes has passed since the little quarrel in the backseat and no one has dared talk since. Well, no one was talking before but this fight has pushed the tension a little further. 

Rory drummed his finger on the steering wheel and tried to find something to say, anything would be welcomed. His mind stayed blank, he wasn’t really the talkative kind and when it came to initiating conversations he always felt awkward. It’s not that he didn’t have anything to say but everything seemed rubbish in his mind. And unlike some people, he thought twice before speaking. "So River, are you happy to go on this little trip?"

What? Were was that coming from? Worst thing to say, at all. Especially at this moment. Rory cringed internally, that’s why he never talked in public. It avoided awkward conversations like the one he just put up right now.

River hummed noncommittally without looking away from the window. In truth, she had been looking forward to this trip with her parents. But someone spoiled her joy. Who? Well, yes, spot on, that was the man. Catching her father’s eyes in the rearview mirror, she smiled. Rory saw well that this smile didn’t contain any joy, it was just to make him happy.

"Well, I’m very excited!" The Doctor interjected beside her, wanting to show that, at least, there was someone excited to be part of this trip. Straightening in his seat, he threw a smile at Amy and Rory who mirrored his smile with their. 

When he directed his smile in River’s direction he was met with cold eyes and his smile faltered instantly. She didn’t share his joy, at all. It pained his hearts and he dropped his gaze to his hands.

Seeing the pain in the Doctor’s eyes, Amy exclaimed, "We’re all happy for the Doctor to be here with us, aren’t we?" Rory hummed in agreement but her gaze was directed to her daughter who didn’t say anything. She only looked at the window, ignoring them. Looking back at the Doctor, Amy gave him a compassionate smile and he responded with a hollow one, sinking back in his seat.

What was the point of them being happy for him if the only person that really mattered to him didn’t feel the same? What was the point? The Doctor closed his eyes for a blinking second and turned his head outside to gaze at the countryside.

Soon enough, the trees and the grass became sand and sea and the air became more windy and pure. They were finally arriving to the seaside. It was about time, River thought, she has had enough of the Doctor always musing beside her and toying with object that made horrible clicking noises. And, most of all, she couldn’t stand to smell his indescribable scent of tweed and Jammie Dodgers above the faint scent of his cologne always enveloping her nostrils. It was torture to her. Not because it disgusted her, on the contrary. That’s why it was torture.

They finally arrived near the seaside early in the afternoon. Setting foot on the soft glass near the beach, River breathed in the pure air of the sea. It has been so long since she had set foot in an English beach, always windy, always cloudy even in the summer. But it held so much to her hearts, there were so many memories from the childhood she had with Amy and Rory and returning to somewhere so familiar put a twinkle in her hearts.

Her parents decided to build up the tent right away, it would be better to settle in after that. Finding a spot of grass, they put out all the elements for the building of this tent. The worst was coming, she feared.

While everyone was putting their heart and soul to the building of the tent, mixing their force together to provide the best of tent, there was one person struggling with the simple construction of this tent. 

"It’s okay, Doctor." Amy said, trying to sound confident but the sight of the Doctor struggling to put two pieces together while the other waited with their parts done. The sun was hot on their shoulders and it was getting particularly difficult to think under the heat.

The Doctor groaned and mumbled something under his breath before passing a hand through his sweaty fringe. The Ponds simply smiled and joked around about the Doctor having two left hands. How the Doctor could handle the whole TARDIS, they had no idea. 

Seconds after, the Doctor struggled even more, handling very badly two separate parts which were actually meant to be together. River raised her eyes to the sky, getting annoyed be his inability to connect two simple tubes. This was really irritating, he couldn’t do anything by himself and he was making everyone struggle. River wasn’t in the mood for his clumsiness and this was getting on her nerves.

Suddenly, the whole thing that the Doctor had taken so much time to build collapsed at his feet in a heap, dragging in its fall the other parts that Amy, Rory and River were holding.

"You moron!" River exclaimed and the Doctor looked up at her with a mix of sorriness and the beginning of irritation. She was looking at him with a murderous look and he gritted his teeth. 

Taking a deep breath, he apologised to the other Ponds and retrieved the things that fell to the ground. He set his jaw and resumed his work.

"It’s alright, Doctor." Amy said, throwing a glare in her daughter’s direction. "We can start over." The Doctor nodded faintly, breathing through his nostrils and removing the sweat on his forehead.

Together, they restarted the process of building up the tent. The Doctor, once again, struggled with connecting wires and tubes together. His irritation was apparent and, more than with the construction, he struggled to keep his nerves under control.

This time River pressed her lips together, losing her temper. Her anger was hidden with a thin veil, the slimmest of struggle from his part enraged her. When the Doctor missed a point in his part, she mumbled under her breath, "At least you didn’t lie about being clumsy."

The Doctor looked up slowly with a dangerous gaze. He uttered in a low voice, "What?"

Not minding the anger bubbling up at the surface of the Doctor’s face, River set her jaw and repeated, fearless and without an ounce of regret, "I said, at least you didn’t _lie_ about being clumsy."

That’s what he thought. He heard her well the first time. She had no right to throw something like that to him, this was an attack. Well played, her parents would certainly not understand what it meant but he did. And it hurt.

He closed his eyes for an instant, taking a deep breath. Calm down, Doctor. This was nothing, this was just…just… He opened his eyes, exhaling, and saw three pairs of eyes watching him. Two were compassionate, one was murderous. He turned his eyes in the direction of the murderous ones. One look at River set his hearts in a pit, there was no love in them as it usually did. Only anger and reproach.

The Doctor pressed his lips together as a wave of emotion ran through him. He couldn’t be weak. He couldn't show his pressure point to his companions. He cast a last glance at River, even if she wouldn’t speak to him, they had, over the time, learnt to speak with a look. This gaze held so much, everything that was on his hearts and stuck in his throat reflected in his gaze. River faltered at the power of his gaze, the anger in her eyes replaced by something quite not defined.

The pain in both their eyes was too much for the Doctor. "Sorry." He whispered, not really knowing why he said that. This past week, this had been the only thing he’s been able to tell her. It came back like a leitmotiv, a leitmotiv of pained looks and suffering. River opened her mouth slightly to say something, but he knew. He knew that whatever she would say, it would break his hearts even more. So, he did the only thing he knew how to do. He ran. He ran away.

Amy and Rory gaped at him as he walked away. Yes, sure, sometimes he was childish and walked away to pout and more often he acted like a proper child. But this. This wasn’t the Doctor. This wasn’t the man they knew. The man they knew didn’t walk away with tears in his eyes and both his hearts in his throat. Their Doctor didn’t uttered some apologies with a voice so broken that it chilled them to the bones.

Amy threw a glare at their daughter and saw the latter looking at he feet. River took a deep breath, unable to meet her parents’ eyes. Her ribcage fet so hollow, as if someone had ripped her hearts out of it. When the Doctor ran away, he ran with both her hearts in his hands. For the first time in the week, she felt the dull pain it inflicted. The feeling of hopelessness and pure hard pain. In a way, that was a taste of her own medicine. And it felt sour.

A few hours later, the Doctor still wasn’t back from his little runaway. The sun was setting down and the shadows were elongating on the ground. Amy paced in front of their small camp. The worry showed on the crease of her eyes and the thin line of her mouth.

She turned to her husband, "Do you have any idea where he could be?" The latter shook his head and turned on the spot to oversee the beach, looking around for any trace of the Doctor.

River was seated on a rock next to them, she was giving the fire a poke. Being a student in archeology was a good thing when you found yourself on a camp. At least she could do a fire and build a tent in some minutes. Even if she wasn’t showing, she worried for the Doctor. He had shown up in a long time and it wasn’t in his habits. Sure, he wandered off occasionally but he always came back one way of another. This wasn’t like him, he didn’t do that some of stuff. But then, what could she know of him? 

She overheard her parents’ conversation and listened without looking up from the fire. They didn’t need to know that she was worrying for him, surely more than they did. The dull ache in her hearts was already pushing her to go look out for him, but she couldn’t. Not now.

"Look! There he is!" Rory exclaimed, pointing to the seaside. River turned her head as fast as she could in the direction to where Rory was pointing. And there he was, throwing rocks in the water and observing them as if they were some magical stones.

All her worries evaporated in an instant and she could finally sigh in relief. She watched him for a moment, observing him without the need to feel angry at him. In truth, she _was_ angry at him but in the end she couldn’t help wanting to have him near her. 

Turning her gaze back to the fire, River caught her mother’s eyes. Amy was giving her one of those looks that meant she understood, but she didn’t understand, she couldn’t. After all, it wasn’t something her mother could possibly understand, she never felt like River did right now, and she never would. River directed her gaze, not wanting to see any more than she had already seen.

At dinner, the Doctor finally came back. His mood was joyful and he had a smile on his face. He settled next to Amy the fire and took the offered plate from her hands with a thanks. "Sorry, I was away for so long. It’s jus that I was observing those wonderful rocks in their natural habitats. Absolutely fantastic, I learnt a lot." 

So he took the out card, River thought. Fair enough. Of, course it was the Doctor, still the same. He wasn’t going to come to them with a thought bothering him, he felt like he had to put up an act in front of them. If it wasn’t for their sake it was for his. 

For once, the tension seemed to be a little less present. Rory felt like he could normally breath now, not afraid anymore that someone would yell at one another or something worse. They ate in a silent not too heavy, that was something. Peace may not have returned but they were slowly walking towards it. The pace was slow but steady. And, in the end, that’s what mattered.

Every now and then, the Doctor threw glances at River over the fire. Her eyes sparkled under the light of it and the Doctor couldn’t help but just look. Anyway, she didn’t dare meet his eyes, even if she felt his eyes on her. She felt like she didn’t have the right to look at him after what happened this afternoon.

The Doctor sighed into his plate, this wasn’t going to get better any time soon. If only he could talk to her, properly talk, like two normal grown ups, Time Lord to half Time Lord. The road was long and tortuous. But it wasn’t infinite, the Doctor knew that. There was an end at this road and at this end they would find peace and comfort in each other.

And the Doctor knew. To arrive at the end of this tortuous road, something would need to go. Something he has has been holding on for too long. Something precious to him, the thing he would never let someone see. Something that has been sitting at the bottom of his hearts for a long time. Too long.

Fear.

The fear to love.

The fear of been loved.

Because, he knew. On way or another. He wouldn’t be able to live a second longer without her by his side. Because she was his guiding lightning strike. Because she was River.

 


	3. You Said You Don't Have to Speak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title by The XX - "Together"

River woke up with a start. The nightmares had been resurfacing lately, every night for the past week has been tormented with some sort of bad dreams. Sometimes it wasn’t that terrible but there were times were the nightmares left her in tears. It was her weakness resurfacing, it has understood that, at the moment, she was alone and weak. Without any guardian. 

Her hearts were still pounding inside of her chest and she tried to breath evenly as her chest heaved with each respiration she took. This time, the nightmare wasn’t the worst, but it still left her shaken. As it always did.

Every time she closed her eyes, the images of her monsters came back to haunt her. It’s as if the monsters were hiding beneath her lids, waiting for her to fall asleep to take control of her. They lived inside of her and fed on her weakness. And strength is what she lacked at the moment.

Rive took a deep breath and looked around her. Inside the tent, the three other occupants seemed to be sound asleep. She couldn’t know, the darkness of the night only revealed some blurred shadows. She scrubbed her eyes from the remaining of her nightmare and blinked.

Her parents were huddled together next to her and next to them was the Doctor. She had made clear that she wouldn’t want to sleep next to him on this already small tent. Well, yes, she could be a petulant child sometimes. The Doctor always was, why couldn’t she? 

He had her back turned to her, she couldn’t discern if he was asleep or not. He had told her that he did not slept much when he was in an unfamiliar place. So, he was most definitely not asleep. But then, why would she care? 

The narrowness of the tent oppressed her, she felt too hot and at the same time too cold. The temperature has cooled down during the night and River was left shivering in the cold of the night. Wondering what time it could be, River took her sweater and made her way out of the tent.

Outside, the soft breeze cooled down her nerves and she could finally think clear. There wasn’t anyone outside, not a single person. The moon was high in the sky, illuminating the sea with a blue light. River concluded that it must have been late in the night or even early in the morning.

She walked out mindlessly towards the beach. Pulling her sweater closer to her bones, she thought about the nightmare she’s had. It has been a long time since she has had a nightmare, the mere thought of what happened in it chilled her bones. It always did. Nowadays, she didn’t have nightmares anymore, she thought this phase was behind her. But apparently not. And then, usually when she had a nightmare, the Doctor was here by her side to sooth her afterwards. But now he wasn’t. Maybe that was why she has been having nightmares since… No better not think about that. His own presence canceled the possibility of her having a nightmare. And she felt safe in his arms. She did. Not anymore.

Sighing, River sat on a bench in front of the sea. The waves left soft foam on the sand as the two elements collided together. Maybe, in opposition to this foam, River and him just couldn’t mix. Maybe, they were just not meant to be together. Of course she knew it was false. But maybe, thinking hard about it would made it become true. She doubted it.

Taking a deep breath, River cast her eyes to the sky. There weren’t any clouds obscuring the sky and the stars shone brightly, brighter than ever. Oh, the stars. How she dreamt of them when she was little. In this forever moving hell, the stars stayed and looked upon her, merely spectator of her life. And how she was happy she had the chance to discover them, with him. She should have enjoyed more their sight the last time she set foot on one, because right now she didn’t know if she would ever be able to reach them again. Not without his help.

River closed her eyes for an instant. They tingled too much. Everything hurt nowadays, nothing was soothing. Nothing was bright, everything was plunged into darkness. The only thing bright enough to illuminate her life was the stars. And they reminded her too much of him. So it hurt even more. 

She wrung her hands on her lap, stretching the hem on her sweater to cover them. They felt so cold and alone, nowadays. When she lay at night, when she ran, when she cried. They were empty. 

In the blue light of the moon, River caught a sparkle in her hand. She looked down to see the ring on her middle finger, the one the Doctor gave her for their first anniversary. It shone in the night and River observed it, twiddling it around her finger. He had promised her everlasting love, but what was love with lies.

Pressing her lips together, Rive sniffed. This past week has been so difficult for her. All she wanted was for everything to go back to normal, as it was before. Forgetting everything and just going on with their life as if nothing ever happened. But she couldn’t, could she? She didn’t want to forget, because forgetting was the thing that brought her to be so weak in her childhood. Not more forgetting, not more hiding. But the truth has hurt her so much. It has broken her.

He had hurt her. But her stubbornness has hurt them even more. In the end, she feared her stubbornness has aggravated everything. She wanted to be angry at him, but deeply inside her she knew. She was more angry with herself than she was with him. Angry of her own weakness, the fear that she couldn’t trust somebody. She has been taught not to. All her childhood revolved around this.

In the end, the problem was her. Their whole argument blew up because of her and because of her weakness. Yes, he was the one who brought the matter at stake and he was the one who was faulty. But she was the one who shut him out. She didn’t even let him explain, the words felt too harsh for her hearts. Like a knife ready to stab you, again and again. She had refused his explanations, yelled at him and shut herself out. She couldn’t bear to feel the way she felt when he said those exact words: ' _Yes, I rewrote your future. Yes, I hid the truth_.'

This felt like a slow blow to her. The girl so insecure that it became her weakness, her pressure point. Of course, it wasn’t intentional, he never would have wanted to hurt her. But it still did. And it left her broken. She couldn’t bear this feeling of betrayal, of him. So, she ran. Because, in the end, that’s the only thing she could do.

After all, the whole argument blew over. And by the time they realised what was happening, it was already beyond the irreparable. They were broken and stuck into this loop of angriness and incomprehension. Together but apart. 

River felt a single tear fall on her cheek. A puff of wind ran past her and made her shiver. She stretched the hem of he sweater to cover herself more but she couldn’t stop trembling. Because the trembling wasn’t caused by the cold surrounding her, it was caused by her fragile bones.

All of a sudden, someone plopped down on the bench next to her, making her break out of her little bubble. "Fuck…ing _hell_!" She exclaimed, placing a hand above her thumping hearts. Shooting a glare in the direction of the intruder, she fell face to face with none other than the Doctor. Speaking of the devil. At his sight, she looked away abruptly, setting her jaw and removing the tear that has fallen on her cheek quickly. "What are you doing here?" She said through gritted teeth.

The Doctor had his gaze fixed on her but River wouldn’t look at him, instead she watched the sea in front of them. Of course, still ignoring him. "I…I couldn’t sleep. So, I went outside to sit on a bench and take some fresh air."

"There are plenty of benches." River uttered, proving her point by nodding to another empty bench near them. 

"And here I am." The Doctor shrugged. River kept on ignoring, preferring to look where his gaze wasn’t in the way. The Doctor sighed and dropped his eyes to her wringing hands, she was fiddling with her ring. The one he made for her. A lump in his throat, he risked being yell at and finally spoke, "Don’t you think we should talk?" 

River huffed, "I’ve heard enough." Her gaze was still focused on the sea. Oh, what a wonderful wave, and look at this white foam illuminated by the moonlight. She felt the Doctor sigh beside her. Was this the only thing he was able to do? Sigh. This wasn’t a very interesting activity, sighing. 

Here, that was her stubbornness coming back. She wanted everything to go better between them but at the same time all her answers were bitter. Always hurtful. She couldn’t help herself, but she wanted to see the Doctor suffer as she suffered.

"You haven’t let me explain myself." The Doctor tried again but she cut him.

"How can I know that anything you’re saying is the truth?" Here, there it was. The bitterness. 

The Doctor closed his mouth, not able to say anything else. In the end, that’s what she wanted him to do. Shut up. But she felt so…not herself when she snapped at him. It wasn’t them, it was only the shadow of themselves. 

Finally, River turned her gaze to him. "Why didn’t you tell me you rewrote the future when we were at the Sisters?" He opened his mouth to respond but River shut him up again. "Shut up, it was a rhetorical question."

Shaking her head, she turned her eyes to the sea. At least, she could show her pain to the sea. The Doctor watched her without a word. The moonlight illuminated her face and showed the tear tracks on her cheeks. He felt his hearts drop out of his chest and roll at his feet, seeing River in pain was the worst of pain someone could inflict him. And, knowing that her pain was caused by him was unbearable. 

River took a deep breath and sniffed. If she wanted everything to go better she would need to begin by explaining herself. Explaining the whys. She opened her mouth and spoke faintly, "I’m not angry that you rewrote the future. I’m angry because you didn’t tell me and lied to me."

The Doctor watched her with big eyes. "Really?" He murmured faintly. All this time he thought she was angry because he had rewrote the future, because he hadn’t let her a chance to choose a life of her own. But no, she was angry for a whole other reason.

She whirled her head in his direction, displaying the tears that had started to fall not long ago. "Of course I’m angry because you lied to me, Doctor! It’s as if you didn’t know me." The Doctor shook his head, he wanted to tell that of course he knew her, of course he understood her. But the glare that River shot in his direction made him stop. "All my life I’ve been fighting against my insecurities. All my life I’ve been on my guards in front of other people. That’s what she did to me! That’s what Kovarian did when I was a child. No, the worst of her training wasn’t the beating up, the humiliations, the discriminations. No! What she did was even worse than all of those reunited. She made me unable to trust. Unable to felt safe when I wasn’t alone."

Rive sniffed and diverted her eyes to the sea, not able to look at his pained eyes any longer. There weren’t any going back now, she was baring her hearts to him. At least she hoped he would make good of what she was telling him.

"All my childhood was lived in a lie. And the worst is that you know about that." She turned her eyes to him and saw the tears glistening in his eyes. "All my childhood, she lied to me. Lies upon lies. That’s all there was. And now I can’t discern what is right and what is wrong…"

"No, no, River…" The Doctor tried but River shook her head, tears falling down her cheeks and running up to her chin. She hiccuped and looked back in front of her. In the instant, the Doctor saw the real River, the one bare of all barriers, bare of everything. She was baring her hearts to him and maybe she didn’t understand herself but that was an act of truth.

"I felt safe with you." This was a statement and the Doctor fell silent. "For once, I trusted someone. For once, I felt like a real human being, letting my guards down because I knew I was safe. I loved and I felt loved." She pressed her lips together. "Now, I’m not sure of that anymore."

The Doctor shook his head vehemently, he couldn't believe her, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. "Don’t say that, don’t say that…" The tears were enveloping his eyes and threatened to fall. But he knew he had to be strong.

"I can’t know if you’re trustworthy anymore. You broke me, Doctor. You broke my hearts. For once, I felt safe, I wasn’t afraid of being judged, I could tell you everything. But you broke my faith in you." River murmured, as if talking too loud would make them true. She didn’t want it to be true, but inside her hearts she knew, they were.

She took a deep breath and removed the tears on her cheeks. The wind wiped their face with cold air and suddenly this air felt too suffocating. The Doctor looked at the horizon, a single tear has fallen on his cheek but he let it fall anyway. "Then, tell me. How can I restore this faith? I would do anything if I could…" He was desperate. The Doctor, who’s weapons were his words, had only a plea on his lips. A tearful plea.

Slowly, Rive turned her gaze to him. The tears had stopped for her but the Doctor was trembling. She pressed her lips into a thin line and their eyes met. The Doctor’s teary but hopeful eyes looked up at her. "I…I don’t think you can. I don’t think you ever will."

A new wave of tears appeared on his eyes and the Doctor closed them, pressing his lips together to suppress a sob. River brought her hand to his face and removed the tears slowly. This had been so long since she has touched him, caressed his cheek. And oh, she has missed it. She has missed him. She just wanted everything to go back as it was before.

The Doctor leaned his face against her palm, his eyes closed and a soft smile on his face. If he emptied his mind, he could imagine that everything was fine. The sea in front of them soothed their nerves and they were fine. River’s warm hand caressed his cheek to relax him and they were fine. The taste of salt on his lips was just the residue of the sea as he dived in and they were fine.

But it wasn’t. And it would not ever be again.

Suddenly, he stood up, disoriented by his abrupte movement and blinking slowly to accommodate his eyes to the darkness around them. He glanced down at River, she was still on the bench and looked at him with pained eyes. He was losing her and all of a sudden it wasn’t fine. 

Feeling claustrophobic in this open space, the Doctor began to sweat. He needed to get out, right now. He looked down at River to see worried eyes looking back at him. "I’m sorry." He said. And then he ran.

River watched him as he walked in the opposite direction to where he came. The heartbroken look of his eyes had chilled her bones, he was the Doctor but her Doctor has never reacted in such a way. Maybe, she wasn’t the only one to have been broken. Maybe, he did too. Maybe, something awoke inside of him when she uttered those last words to him. She broke him as he had broken her. They were even. But River didn’t feel any satisfaction because…because he was the man she loved. And she has never wanted to utter those words. They weren’t true, they were only there to hurt. And hurt, they did.

In the middle of the night, when she knew that her only companion would be the sea tonight, she cried. She cried until she didn’t have any tears left in her body.

And when she came back in the tent some time after, the Doctor was nowhere in sight.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would really like to have your opinions on this chapter. Just to know, for future...stuff... ;)


	4. I Just Need You as a Whole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title by Broods with 'All of Your Glory'

"Do you know where he is?" The voice of her father could be heard from outside of the tent. River kept her eyes closed and groaned, even if her eyes were closed she knew it was still dark outside. The birds hadn’t began to sing and there wasn’t any ray of the sun to warm up her body.

"I bloody don’t, Rory!" The voice of her mother seemed more harsh, more worried. Her mother was always the worried one, she shouldn’t really. The Doctor always had a plan, he would get them out of this mess.

Thinking about it, River didn’t really know why her parents were whispering slash yelling at each other. It wasn’t in their habits to yell at each other and even less at an hour like this. So, there must be something happening. Anyway, the Doctor was there to help them so could they please go away and yell at each other less closer to her. Because, for heaven’s sake, she needed to sleep! She hasn’t been able to sleep for the whole night so please could they go away?

"I went to check at the little inn nearby, I checked the road, I even went to check in the forest which is far, _far_ away!" Amy wasn’t even trying to keep her voice down now, she was properly shouting. River groaned and placed her hand over her ear to shut the noise away.

"Shush! You’ll wake River and if she does wake up she’ll worry even more than you." Rory whispered loudly, trying to shush her mother. River opened her eyes at the mention of her name. What were they on about? "If she learns that we’ve lost the Doctor…I can’t even imagine."

She went wide eyes and abruptly sat up. The headache that has followed her for the whole night has returned and she groaned, putting her face in her hands. What did they mean they lost the Doctor? Surely he wasn’t lost, he was a grown man who could do whatever the hell he wanted.

Then she remembered how they had parted last night and how heartbroken he looked. River passed a hand over her face at the remembrance of this. She has been thinking about it for the whole night, her mind never able to rest. It always came back to her, no matter how hard she tried to put it away.

And now that she thought about it, she hasn’t seen the Doctor at all for the whole night. Surely he must have come back during the night, to sleep or even to rest. But River knew he didn’t, because she has been up the whole time and would have noticed if the man haunting her mind made an apparition. That’s not something she would have missed, that’s for sure.

And then it dawned on her. The Doctor, up for the whole night, during the bloody night, heartbroken and without the TARDIS. This screamed danger, this was looking very bad.

River scrambled up, swaying a bit because of her headache and the sudden move. She took her sweater and made her way out of the tent. When she did, her parents quickly looked in her direction, quite surprised. "Where’s the Doctor?" She asked abruptly.

"We don’t know!" Amy exclaimed. She passed a hand through her hair in irritation. River cast a glance at Rory for further information but he simply shook his head. River looked around her, surely he mustn’t have gone far. It was really not in his habits to wander off. No, actually it was. Oh, hell.

River looked around her, hoping to catch the Doctor’s silhouette. Okay, time to think. Where could he have gone to? Not far surely. He wouldn’t have, would he?

Sighing, she looked at the sea ahead of them. The sun was just starting to peek out above the sea, creating a dazzling reflection of it on the sea. River squinted her eyes to see better with the blinding light in front of them. Without turning to her parents, she asked, "Have you checked the beach?"

Rory nodded behind her, "Yes, I have. But it was too dark to see anything. I wasn’t able to get there because the way down was in total darkness." River turned around to look at him. She frowned before looking back at the beach. 

There was definitely someone on that beach. River caught sight of a silhouette near the sea. But then, how could they have went down in total darkness as her father said. The only way they could have done that is by going when the moon was shining high in the sky. Her frown deepened.

And then, she realised. Yes, of course. Who else? "Stop searching, I know where he is."

Both her parents turned to her in an instant. "Where?" They said at the same time. River rolled her eyes and put on her sweater. Then, she began to walk in the direction of the beach. Amy threw a hurried glance at Rory and her husband did the same, "River, where?" She repeated, hoping her daughter would answer this time. She hurried next to River, trying to catch up on her. Suddenly, River turned around and her mother nearly crashed into her.

"He’s on the beach." She threw a glance towards the sea. "And I’m going." Amy nodded and followed her, nodding to Rory to follow them. When, River realised her parents were following her she abruptly stopped in her tracks and turned her head to them. "Alone."

She threw a look at them and her parents frowned. Amy glanced at Rory to make him persuade their daughter to let them come. Glancing between his wife and his daughter, Rory bit his lip. After thinking for a moment, he took Amy’s hand in his own. "Okay." He said, pulling Amy to him to stop her from going with River.

River threw him a smile and turned around, making her way to the beach. The sun was only beginning to rise in the horizon and it created a faint orange glow in the sky. The sea sparkled with the rays of the sun softly tickling the surface of the water.

When River arrived at the beach, she removed her shoes to avoid getting sand in them. She saw the Doctor’s figure at the distance. He was sitting by the edge of the water, with his arms around his knees. The water wasn’t far from him, it showed that he must have been here for a long time. Enough time to let the tide come and reach his feet. He looked in front of him, where the sunset was. Truly, it was a beautiful sunset. The orange glow reflected on the sea, producing an iridescent atmosphere.

River didn’t make a sound when she arrived at his side. She looked at him for any sign of acknowledgment but there weren’t any. But she knew the Doctor had heard her and was aware of her. He never let his guards down, even with a dreamy far off look. "Doctor, what are you doing here?" She whispered so as not to startle him.

He didn’t respond, keeping his gaze fixed on the sun ahead of him and his arms tightly secured around his knees. River wondered if she should repeat herself but after a moment she concluded that no, it wasn’t necessary. The Doctor would talk when he wanted to talk, she wouldn’t be able to make him.

Sighing, River slowly sat beside him, at a respectable distance. She placed her shoes beside her and placed her arms around her own knees. Maybe if she looked at the sunset in the same position as the Doctor he would talk. Maybe. If only.

They looked at the sea being illuminated by the sun for a moment, there was a deafening silence surrounding them but River waited. She knew that it was the best thing to do. The right thing.

"When I was a little boy," The Doctor murmured. He cleared his throat and River turned her attention to him. His eyes were red and his face was marked with the lack of sleep. He frowned in the horizon and cleared his throat once again, "When I was a little boy, five years old," His frown deepened, "Well, what five years old is for Time Lords anyway." He shook his head, getting rid of his thoughts. "I was always full of energy, jumping everywhere, bothering everyone with questions, always getting under everyone’s feet."

The Doctor smiled sadly at the horizon and River smiled back at him. Nothing has changed. She didn’t know why he was telling her this, but she let him anyway. She understood that it was important to him.

"One day, my mother…" Something passed over his eyes but his lips twitched in a smile. "Oh, my mother, she was beautiful. Her hair was red like the sun today," He pointed to the sunset but quickly replaced his hand to his knee. River looked at the horizon, it was getting more orange now and she smiled. Like her mother’s hair. "And, her eyes were of the deepest blue, like the sea. I remember because when she scolded me, she always told me to look her in the eyes. She scolded often me. And her smile was the most beautiful thing, it illuminated the room."

River glanced at him, he had a smile on his face but this wasn’t a happy smile. No, this was a smile full of regret.

"I wish I watched her more." Then, the Doctor pressed his lips in a thin line. Never once he had looked back at her. "One day, my mother and I, we went to this barn. It was very far from home, all around me I could see desert. Miles and miles of sand. It was a bit dazzling. My mother told me she had found a new place for me to play with. I loved to discover new places back then." He snorted and shook his head. "I still do."

The Doctor fell silent, they could hear the waves crashing against the rocks not far away and the foam beginning to form at their feet. He wetted his lips and took a deep breath.

"Then, she told me she needed to go somewhere. Works thing, she said. I didn’t really mind, I just discovered a new place to play. And play I did. I played till I had splints on my hands and more sand in my shoes than they could contain my tiny feet. I ran around like a mad man, one minute I was a cowboy and the other I was a pirate. Pirate of the sand, that is." He chuckled and River chuckled with him. "The hours passed and the moon appeared. But I didn’t care. I was so happy." He sighed and muttered to himself, "I was so happy…"

He sniffed and River cast a glance at him, his eyes were red. Exhaling a deep breath, the Doctor closed his eyes an instant. When he reopened them, River saw the reflection of the sea in them, more accentuated than ever.

"I played for hours and when night came, I laid down on the haystack and closed my eyes. When morning came, I was hungry and mommy still wasn’t there. It didn’t bother me, I was just hungry, I just wanted food. At the time, I didn’t realise. Oh, no, I didn’t realise…" 

He stopped his speech abruptly, unable to speak anymore. River opened her mouth but closed it quickly. In his own time. The Doctor sniffed and set his jaw tight.

After a minute of looking at the horizon, he continued. "My mother, she…" A shiver ran through him and he tightened his grip on his knees. "She…" His eyes welled up with tears but he remained stoic. His bottom lip began to tremble and he caught it between his teeth. "She never came back." He whispered with a trembling voice, as if the fact of saying it out loud would make it true. "She abandoned me. She left me in a barn, in the middle of nowhere. Surrounded by endless desert. I was stuck and alone." A single tear fell on his cheek. "And hungry, and sleepy, and dirty."

Finally, he looked at River. He exhaled an uneven breath and more tears fell from his eyes. River had tears in her eyes as she looked at him. The sight of him broke her hearts, more than she had ever been broken.

The Doctor directed his gaze to the sea, his sad tears had been replaced by bitter tears. "She had planed everything. Since the moment we closed the door of our house, she tricked me. She told me we would play a game, the one who saw an elephant in the clouds first won, she made me look at the sky during the whole walk to the barn. She didn’t want me to know where we were going, she didn’t want me to remember how we went there." 

River brushed the tears out her eyes and stares at his face being illuminated by the morning light. He looked so weak at this moment, but he wasn’t. He was braver than ever and he didn’t even know about it.

The Doctor took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "You are afraid of people lying to you. I am afraid of rejection. People don’t make themselves on their own. People make you, they shape you, they forge you. There is a part of everyone you ever encountered in you, and that is what makes you. You and me, we have been forged into insecurities. But we can’t let it control our lives." 

He turned his gaze upon her. River nodded tearily. When he looked back at the sea, his eyes welled up once again.

"My mother, she was the first woman I ever loved." He closed his eyes and shook his head. "The sole role model I’ve ever had." A trembling breath escaped his mouth. "And she rejected me. And it hurt, it hurt so much." He pressed his lips together to suppress a sob. "And now, the second woman I’ve ever loved, more than my mother, more than anyone. She is rejecting me." He let out a sob and kept his gaze fixed on the horizon, tears were falling on his cheeks. He turned his face to River, she was crying too. "She is rejecting me, River. She has rejected me."

River shook her head vehemently as tears fell, "No, no, I haven’t."

"Yes, you have. I lied to you and broke your trust in me." He hiccuped as tears soaked his cheeks. "But I’m not lying to you now. All I’ve been telling you is the truth. I let go of it, River. I let go of it." He repeated between sobs.

"What are you talking about?" She asked as tears dripped on her chin. "What have you let you go of?"

"My fear!" He said and hiccuped. "My fear of opening my heart to someone. Because I realised… I realised that I don’t want to hide anything from you anymore. I realised I could open my hearts to you because I loved you too much to let go of you. I can’t let go of you, River. I can’t live a second longer without you by my side."

River bursted into tears and nodded, the tears blurring her vision. "I don’t want you to go away from me. I love you. Forgive me for having been weak. This is her fault if I’m like this, this is Kovarian’s fucking fault." She removed the tears under her eyes with the back of her hand. "The moment I learnt you lied to me, I saw Kovarian in your eyes, I saw her tricking me. But I know you’re not," She sniffed and shook her head. "I know you’re not. It’s just, she traumatised me. But I’m fighting against it and I know I’m controlling it now." A sob escaped her and she placed her hand in front of her mouth. She uttered between sobs, "I just want you back. I trust you now. I trust you." The Doctor nodded as new tears made their way into his eyes.

River drew closer to him and placed her arms around his shoulders, crying in the crook of his neck. The Doctor sobbed even more, his arms around her waist and his face hidden in her curls. He stroked her back, not quite believing he could touch her again. A new wave of tears washed over him at the feeling of her all around him. Her scent enveloped all of his senses and finally, for the first time in the week he felt fine. They were fine. River clung to his neck, her hand passing through his hair. His already messy hair were being ruffled up even more but he didn’t care. He only cared about her.

But this wasn’t the end of their conversation, he needed to continue. That was, everything on his hearts would have been said and he would feel even better.

Detangling himself from her, he sat back cross legged. "I want to give you an explanation. And I want you to, please, listen." River nodded and sat back in the sand. She took his hands in her own but the Doctor quickly drew them back to him. 

River watched him with a puzzled face. He was hiding something from her. The Doctor realised that too and with a trembling sigh gave them back to her. She gasped when she saw the sight of his hands, his knuckles were all bloodied and wounded. She drew her eyes back to his face, tears already welling up in her eyes. "What did you do?"

The Doctor pressed his lips together and shook his head. "Nothing." But River eyes told him not to lie, not anymore. "It hurt." He admitted and tears gathered at the bottom of his eyes. "It hurt too much."

River closed her eyes, hiding the tears behind her lids. The mere thought of the Doctor unleashing his anger, his sadness against a hard surface made her want to cry even more. He hurt himself because of her. Opening her eyes, she saw the Doctor staring back at her. She brought his hands to her lips to kiss each of his palm. There wasn’t any sadness in his eyes now, only love and bliss. "I’m listening."

The Doctor smiled and squeezed her hands in his, even if it hurt it was worth the smile it elicited from her face. "I lied to you about me rewriting your future to protect you. I never intended to hurt you in such a way." He wetted his lips before continuing. "When you woke up at the Sisters for the second time, we weren’t supposed to be there. We were supposed to have left you, alone."

River met his eyes, they were pained but she said nothing. She simply listened. 

The Doctor shook his head. "But I couldn’t leave you, all alone in a century you didn’t know. Because this was rejection. And I know how rejection sits in a heart." He looked down, a sad smile adorning his face. "So, I stayed. Not because I had to but because I had decided to."

River nodded and now she understood him better, he simply didn’t want her to feel the way he had felt so long ago. She knew now too that it still haunted him.

"That’s why I changed the future. Because, already then, I loved you and couldn’t bear to see you in pain. I just wanted your happiness and I wanted you to be able to have a proper family. So, I went against what was supposed to happen and I chose to give you this chance." After he finished speaking, the Doctor frowned, "I know it’s selfish but—"

"No, it’s not." River replied and the Doctor looked up from his lap. "It’s far from selfish, on the contrary." The Doctor smiled. "Thank you."

"For what?" He asked and River placed a hand over his cheek, brushing the dried tear tracks.

"For everything, for giving me this chance in life. And…" She stopped mid-thought but smiled before resuming, "And I’m going to tell you a secret, since you’ve given me one." The Doctor nodded and River took a deep breath. "When I was little, when I was with Kovarian, she told me that my parents had abandoned me." She frowned, deep inside her thoughts. The Doctor kept his gaze on her. "She told me they never liked me and thus abandoned me. She told me they hated me, so I hated them in return." She wetted her lips and sniffed. "In the end, I’ll glad you changed the future to give me the opportunity to finally meet my parents. And to properly live with them. Because they love me and I love them."

The Doctor looked at her, his hearts blooming out of his chest. River smiled finally as she set her eyes on him.

"See, we’re even now. One secret for one secret." He nodded and River stroked her thumb over his cheek. "And I forgive you, I trust you. With both my hearts." 

Gazing at her, the Doctor saw love and adoration in her eyes. They reflected his own eyes. He brought a trembling hand to her face and brought her closer. River closed her eyes and their lips met. The taste of salt wasn’t from the sea but from their own tears, but they were happy tears. River opened her mouth over his as they shared their first kiss since their argument a week ago. And it felt so good.

Their scent mingled and their breathing echoed one another. In that simple moment, everything was fine. The sea was lapping its foam at their feet and the sun was rising high in the horizon behind them. And they kissed and kissed. Till they couldn’t breath anymore. And when they broke the kiss, they pressed their forehead together.

"We should go back to the tent. First, to look after your hands and second to warm you up. You’re shivering." River whispered and the Doctor nodded. His eyes were still closed but he enjoyed the moment nonetheless. 

Together they stood up, River took her shoes that were completely soaked by the water that ran over it. The Doctor took her arm and cuddled close to her. River turned to him and took his face in her hands. 

"I love you, and don’t you forget it." She whispered before pressing a kiss to his mouth.

Lingering a little longer on the kiss, the Doctor nodded, "And I love you."

—

When River and the Doctor arrived at the tent, Amy and Rory sprang up from their chairs. Amy stared at them with a worried look, wrinkling her brows. The sight of them left her puzzled, they were arms in arms and the Doctor leaned on River. Their eyes were red but when River looked up at her mother she simply smiled.

Amy felt her lips twitch in return, it had been so long since she’d seen a smile on her daughter’s face. And, at this moment, her daughter and her boyfriend looked happy. Tired but happy.

Casting a glance in her husband direction, she saw him also looking at the Doctor and River. A smile adorned his face and when he met her eyes he smiled even brighter.

Whatever had happened on this beach, it had seemed to make them realise that they were stronger together than apart. And looking at them now, Amy felt her heart blossom in her chest. She may never know what happened on this beach but she knew one thing. At last, they were happy. And even if dark times were ahead of them, she knew, they were stronger now more than ever. Because they were the Doctor and River Song, travellers of space and time. And they were together.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing this chapter and I would love to know what you think about it :)


	5. Things Can Get Ugly but We're Still a Team

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is "Bloodsport" by Raleigh Ritchie

The car rumbled steadily under their feet as the Pond family made their way back to their house in Leadworth. In the end, they had been able to enjoy their sunny day at the beach. The sun had shone bright and they had spent the day relaxing in front of the sea, sunglasses on and sunscreen on for Amy.

Now they were on their way back, it was late in the evening and the sun was beginning to go down in the sky, creating an orange atmosphere on the railway. Hopefully, during the weekend there hadn’t been any hint of clouds or rain. The Pond family had been able to enjoy this small trip. Well, the beginning had been a bit tricky but in the end everything fell back into place. 

The car was silent, but this time it wasn’t a tense silence. It was just a peaceful one. The only sound that could be heard, apart form the rumbling of the car, was the fiddling of the radio as Amy searched through radio channels. The buzzing noise on it made Rory lift his eyes to the sky in exasperation.

"Amy, stop fiddling with the radio." He said, turning his gaze to her. "It’s really annoying." Amy threw a sheepish look at him before dropping her hands to her lap.

"Sorry." She murmured and crossed her arms over her chest to stop them from touching the radio. She began to thump her feet against the dashboard at the rhythm of the current music that was one, something of a new boys band which she didn’t know the name of. Her husband threw her a look to make her stop since it was making the whole car tremble. Amy stopped abruptly and placed her hands on her knees. "Sorry… I’m just so bored." She whined and Rory rolled his eyes.

"We’re arriving in less than an hour, keep yourself busy." Rory replied, as if it was the most sensible thing to do. Actually, it was. Amy sighed and rolled her eyes, she sank back into her seat and watched the road ahead of her. It was only a long and boring road with tons of cars in front of them and behind them. It was so boring. Amy turned her head to her husband, making a face of pure boredom. "Stop it, you look like the Doctor. Plus, with all the noise you make you’re going to wake the two sleepers in the backseat."

A smile twitched at the corner of her lips and Amy turned around to peek at River and the Doctor who were currently sleeping behind them. "Don’t you think they look cute?" 

Rory threw a look in the rearview mirror and smiled, "Yes, they do."

River had her head placed on the Doctor’s shoulder and an arm wrapped around his waist in a tight embrace. She clutched his shirt in her fist and her head lolled a bit with the rumble of the car. For his part, the Doctor had his head cushioned above River’s, her hair providing a good and comfy place to sleep. His mouth was slightly ajar and if the car fell completely silent they could hear him snore a little. He held River, his arms around her frame and holding her tightly to him. They looked perfectly unaware of the outside world as they were currently in the world of dreams.

Amy hummed and pulled a face at the couple in the backseat as if she just saw a cute baby animal. They did look cute, Amy thought she could take a picture of them, for future blackmail. Unfortunately her phone had died mere moments ago while she played her four-hundred-and-sixty-seventh round of a highly addictive game. She knew keeping this game out of her phone would have been good idea, but she had been bored. And she still was.

Turning back in her seat, Amy cleared her throat, "I don't think I’ve ever seen the Doctor sleep before. It’s quite something." She chuckled to herself and Rory threw a glance at her, shaking his head at her ridiculousness. "No, but seriously…" He turned her head back to gaze at the Doctor one more time. "He’s so cute when sleeping. He doesn’t look like the Doctor we know as the Mighty warrior, the Incoming Storm. He just looks like a child! Like, it’s so cute I can’t even…"

Rory rolled his eyes and threw a glance at his wife, "That’s usually what sleeping is about. Some people look very weird and some people look very cute." He said, raising an eyebrow at her.

Amy laughed at his explanation but abruptly stopped after a second. She stared at her husband. "When you’re saying some people look weird you’re not talking about me I hope!" She said and squinted her eyes at him in a inquisitive manner. Rory cast a glance at her and only raised an eyebrow, his response totally clear. Amy gasped and slapped his thigh.

"Oi!" Rory responded, removing one of his hand from the wheel to put her hand back to her own lap. "You’re not the one receiving long alabaster limbs in the face in the middle of the night."

Amy gasped once again, shocked by what her husband just said. Then, she tilted her head to the side, a puzzled look on her face. "Alabaster?"

Rory hummed, looking in front of him." Yeah, your skin kind of glows in the dark." Amy opened her mouth in shock, quite stunned by this new information about her. Rory waved his hand in the air. "It’s as if you were in communion with the moon."

Amy opened her mouth agape because of the rudeness of her husband. Rory threw her look and began to laugh.

"Even when you’re asleep you move! You’re all…" He let go of the wheel and waved his hand in the air, long limbs moving in an uncoordinated way. He looked like the Doctor when the latter was trying to move his hands, or dance. She didn’t know, she’ll have to think about it. Rory continued to move his arms and pulled a face to imitate her sleeping. Amy shook her head at his ridiculousness. Of course, she didn’t look like this while sleeping, she slept perfectly still and adorable. Didn’t she? Replacing his hands on the wheel, Rory threw her a smug smile and Amy set her jaw tight.

"Shut up…" Amy crossed her arms over her chest, even if a smile was pulling at her lips, she had to maintain a cross expression. "You are such a—"

"No, none of that." Rory threw a glance at her, a smile playing at his lips. "Not in front of the children."

She huffed and shook her head, her arms still crossed over her chest. Her husband could be so annoying sometimes. She was beginning to thing he was becoming too much like the Doctor. Maybe a long exposure to the Doctor has turned him into his replica, always pointing out things not very cool about her but it was always funny so she couldn’t really tell him off.

Amy huffed once again and looked at the rearview mirror to watch the two sleeping people. "I think I just realised something." She told Rory a moment after. Her husband made an impressed face, nodding admiringly in agreement. She slapped him on the arm. "Shut up, you know what I mean."

"Come on then, I’m all ears." Rory replied.

"No, you’re all nose." Amy snickered and Rory glared at her. Watching the ridiculous expression on his face, Amy cooed and caressed his cheek, pulling a face. Rory sticked his tongue at her and Amy rolled her eyes. Yeah, defenitely becoming like the Doctor, then. She would have to see to that. One petulant child was enough in the house. "Anyway, I just realised…" She began, sinking back in her seat. "I feel like since we discovered who River was, the Doctor was becoming more like us." Rory frowned at her. "I mean that he acts more human, more like we do." Rory pondered the thought for a moment, thinking back on how different he was since River was in his life. "No, but really. He sleeps at night with River, he eat with us and, like, properly eat, not only fish fingers and custards. Uhm, what else? He is able to live with us in the house for time to times and not become bored." 

Amy gave her husband exemples of how the Doctor has changed and Rory nodded, quite agreeing with his wife. 

"And he even sleeps in the car!" Amy exclaimed, pointing to the two passengers sleeping in the back of the car. "You know, when we are with the Doctor on the TARDIS, in a way we learn how to be like him. Asking for the good question, going straight to danger, thinking of a plan ahead of everyone else. That sort of stuff." Rory glanced at her and nodded in agreement. "But when the Doctor is with us and River, he becomes more like us. He learnt what a family was and what place he had in this family. And he shows us more his emotions, he laugh, he jokes, he dances, he’s himself. The true man behind the mighty Doctor."

Rory nodded, "I think we made him more human with humans wumany feelings as he would say." Amy laughed and threw a glance behind her. 

Her eyes fell on his hands wrapped in bandage and she frowned, the smile on her face slipping. "And, I think this weekend he became a little too human. Being human is not always easy." The smile on Rory’s face fell too and their eyes met. "What could have happened to him?"

Rory shook his eyes and shrugged, "I don’t know, really." In reality, he knew what had caused those wounds on his hands because he was a nurse and knew what that looked like. He just didn’t want to worry Amy over this. Plus, he knew the Doctor was fine now so they wouldn’t need to worry further for him.

Amy’s frown deepened. River had told her that the Doctor simply fell on the rocks during the night since he was so clumsy. But Amy found it to be a bit weird, even for the Doctor who was the clumsiest man she knew. She half believed them. But she knew that if River didn’t tell her the truth that was for a reason, and that was only between River and the Doctor. She didn’t want to interfere in their things, surely not at the moment. For the moment, River and the Doctor simply needed to be together and not worry about the people around them.

She knew something tough had happened between her daughter and her boyfriend and she could see that they had both been hurt during this time of their life. But in the end they were fine and thus Amy was fine. She only wanted the happiness of her daughter and the Doctor and knowing that everything about them seemed to have been appeased made her happy too.

Amy saw River tighten her grip on the Doctor’s shirt unconsciously and she smiled softly. She turned back in her seat and glanced at Rory. "Something has changed."

Her husband looked up from the road and hummed questioningly. "What do you mean?"

Amy frowned to herself, trying to find the right words. "Look, we may not know a thing about what happened between River and the Doctor, and I don’t want to interfere in their own life so I don’t really want to know. But now, I know they’re fine and that everything fell back into place. Now, everything is fine." She murmured the last part to herself.

Rory threw glances at her, trying to understand what she wanted to mean. He understood what she was saying but couldn’t see the point she wanted to make. Amy threw another glance at the backseat before turning back again.

"Whatever happened between my daughter and her boyfriend this past week, I don’t think it has weakened them. On the contrary, I think it has made them stronger than ever." She saw Rory nod at her side and she turned her face to him. She placed her hand in his thigh, squeezing it in a silent understanding between them.

Then, Amy turned her head to the road ahead of them. The sun was lowering in the sky and soft clouds were making their appearance, turning orange because of the orange glow in the sky. The car fell silent, the only sound was the rumbling of the motor and the faint noise of the song on the radio.

The day was getting dark and the trees and the grass were all they could see around them. The landscape passed at a quick pace as they drove the car through the town of Leadworth.

Amy thought that this weekend was what they all had needed for a very long time. A normal trip with normal people, no TARDIS, no anything. The weekend has mended what was thought to be beyond repair and now they were fine. They would be fine. Nothing was bad and everything was good. It’s how this family rocked.

Yes, they would be fine. Because they were a family. Because they were the Ponds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments help me improve :)


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